Nothing in life will ever prepare you for this. You've seen it in movies, you hear about it from family and friends, but until it affects you personally, there's really no way to prepare for it.

It all started with one simple phone call. One phone call and everything changed. Everything seemed to just stop. I didn't hear anything, I didn't see anything, everything just stopped. Everything went numb. After my mind finally caught up with the news I had just received I snapped back into reality and the pain began to rush in. Handling loss is a new territory for me and it's not something I want to get used to. Why would you want to? It hurts. Everything hurts. All. The. Time. They say time will help heal, but it still creeps up on you unexpectedly and it hurts all over again.

It's hard because you always want some type of closure or some type of answer to help make sense of any of it. You begin to start running every situation, interaction, memory, conversation, exchange in your head over and over to maybe find some sort of clue or answer but you just can't. You just want answers and unfortunately many of them you won't ever get. It sucks. It really sucks.

Losing someone really puts life into perspective for you. I know everyone says "life is short," "live life to the fullest," "live every day like it's the last," but it doesn't really hit you until it affects your personality. The thing about life is that we easily get caught up in the everyday motions and routine of things. We lose touch of old friends and family that we don't see every day and eventually we just find ourselves keeping up with them just by the photos they post on social media. We don't realize we're doing it until something tragic happens and reminds us to check-in on one another. Which sucks.

Over the past week and a half, my inbox has been filled with "I'm sorry for your loss." "Let me know if you need anything." "Thinking of you." from friends and family members that I haven't talked to in years. Don't get me wrong, I sincerely appreciate each and every person that has reached out to me and checked in on me, I really truly do, but I can't help but feel guilty. Guilty that something like this has caused us to reconnect. Guilty that I didn't make more of an effort to stay in touch. Just, guilty.

I've been reading a lot about handling grief. They say there are five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Other articles say that this pain isn't something we'll ever eventually get over, but something we'll learn how to live with. But ultimately there's really no right or wrong way to grieve. We all handle pain and loss differently, and at the end of the day we need to find what will help us cope. Here's what's helped me this past week:

  • Leaning on friends and family. A bit obvious but I've been brought up to be "strong" and "independent" and to "take care of myself" so breaking down, being vulnerable and leaning on friends and family is new to me. Sharing memories, having someone to talk things out with has helped me through this whole process. 
  • Writing. A friend had suggested that I write out some sort of letter with all my thoughts and feelings, which has helped. Ever since I was little I had always been into journaling and now that it's transitioned into my blog. Writing all of my thoughts and feelings out has always helped me handle tough situations since I feel like I can unload everything on my mind instead of having them bottled up in there waiting to explode. 
  • Keeping your mind busy. While I don't believe that this is the best way to deal with it long term since I feel like pushing away your feelings and emotions for a long period of time will end up hurting you down the road, this is a good short term fix. Keeping busy with work, tidying up my apartment, spending time with friends and family or even jumping into blogging again has helped keep my mind off of things for a bit. 

Handling loss is hard. It's really hard. You are faced with so many different emotions all at once and you're not quite sure what's the best way to deal with them. I've felt the constant cycle of sad, angry, confused and guilty over and over again that it can get tiring and overwhelming sometimes. A friend had told me to take things day by day and eventually, things will get a little easier to handle. So that's what I'm doing, taking it one day at a time.

At the end of the day, I'm glad I was able to be a part of his story, even if it was for a short amount of time. I will always wish that more people were able to be a part of it or witness the amazing, talented, creative, caring and passionate person that he was. I'll always treasure the wonderful memories we've shared and I'll continue to help share his story. 

I guess my main goal for this whole post is to share that if you're going through something similar, you're not alone. I know I felt alone many points during this whole process. I've been confused about what I should or shouldn't feel and the best way to handle it all. If you are going through something like this, I'm sorry. I'm truly and deeply sorry. If you feel alone and feel like you have no one to turn to my inbox is always open. I'll always lend an ear. 

Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me this past week. I truly appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for reading what's been on my mind. I plan on having my regularly scheduled posts up in the next week or so, so be on the lookout for those. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and as always, thank you for reading. 


No comments: