8:00 AM

How to Talk to Your Asian Parents About Black Lives Matter

Let's talk about the Black Lives Matter movement.

By now I'm sure you've heard about the name George Floyd, the protests, police brutality, and the Black Lives Matter movement in general. It's been the trending topic for a solid week and a half now, but it isn't a new thing. The Black Lives Matter movement has been an ongoing push to end racial injustice for seven years now. Talking about race makes people uncomfortable, I get it. But in order for us to see a change in society, we need to get uncomfortable and take action.  

Growing up in an Asian household, talking about certain topics, especially racism towards the Black community or the Black Lives Matter movement, can be difficult with your parents. It's not necessarily because they don't care, it's that they don't know much about it, have a language barrier, didn't learn this in school, or even grew up in a community that had Black people in it. Regardless of the reason, it's time to sit down and have a talk with them. 

Over the past few weeks, I've started to have a conversation with my parents and various members of my family on the Black Lives Matter movement.  I've shared why I'm so passionate about this, why it's important, and tried to answer the questions they had. I have to admit, it has been uncomfortable, difficult, and even frustrating at times, but it's good that we're getting the conversation started. Change isn't going to happen overnight, but the important thing is we're taking steps every day to move forward. I've written a letter to my parents down below talking all about the Black Lives Matter movement. Feel free to use it as a guide to starting the conversation with your parents. 

Dear Mom and Dad,

By now I'm sure you've heard about Black Lives Matter on the news, read about it on Facebook, or even overheard about it in the grocery store. It's been the topic on everyone's minds for the last few weeks. This isn't a new thing. The Black Lives Matter movement started back in 2013 but is now gaining attention again with the most recent murder of George Floyd and it cannot just fade back into the cracks again. Not this time. Things need to change and the Black community needs our help. 

For centuries the Black community has been oppressed victims of systematic racism. Black people are two times more likely to be unemployed even with a college degree. On average, a Black employee will earn 62% less than their white co-worker. A Black woman is five times more likely to die during pregnancy or childbirth than a white woman. And those examples are just barely scratching the surface of the unfair treatment they are facing every day. The Black community has been oppressed for far too long and we need to help play a part in making their voices heard. 

I'm sure you are aware of the fact that Black people were brought here as slaves against their will. Black people were horribly mistreated and looked at as nothing but property for centuries. Even when they were no longer slaves, they had to build back up their lives from nothing with no institutional help. Yes, they are no longer slaves, but they are still not treated as equals and were not given many of the same rights for years. As a result, they are tired, they are angry, they are fed up and they have every right to be. 

To you, America has been the land of the free, home of the brave. It was the land of opportunity and in several ways, it has been. You were able to escape a war-torn country and have a fresh start here to make a name for yourself, and you did.  For the Black community, America hasn't been like that for them. The Black community has a completely different experience and view of America than we do. For them, America has been a country that was built on the back of Black people and one that has treated them poorly in return.

When you hear us say "Black Lives Matter" we are not saying only Black lives matter or that we're undermining the fact that Asian people have been oppressed too. We are saying Black lives matter just as much as any other life. The problem with saying "all lives matter" is that it would imply that Black lives already matter, but with the trend of police brutality and systematic racism it is clear that they are not treated the same. An easy way to picture the situation going on is if you have five kids and one kid falls and gets a cut. Would you give a bandaid to all five kids or would you give a bandaid to the one with the cut? Right now the Black community is the one with the cut. A deep one at that.

I understand Asian people have been oppressed in this country. I understand we have had our history of racism, bullying, and unfair treatment, but at the end of the day, we are not being killed because of the color of our skin. When people look at us they don't automatically think that we're dangerous or a threat. We have the privilege of being able to wear a hoodie, go out on a run, or even get stopped by a cop without being afraid we'll be murdered because of the color of our skin. 

This movement is about ending racial injustice, not ending murders altogether. We can all agree that murder is horrible, no matter who does it, but what we're fighting against is being murdered solely because of the color of your skin. Yes, it is true that statistically Black people kill other Black people more than White cops kill Black people, but Black people are not killing each other because of the color of their skin. The issue is that we shouldn't be afraid of the people who are here to protect us. 

Black people are our friends, co-workers, classmates, teachers, roommates, and neighbors. We share this country with them and they have every right to enjoy this country and feel safe as we do. I am in full support of the Black Lives Matter movement and hope you understand and support it too. I hope this provides more insight into the movement and why it's important for us to stand with the Black community. 

With love,

This letter was inspired by Letters for Black Lives which is a letter collectively written by a group of Asian Americans to talk to their relatives about Black Lives Matter. I had wanted to customize the letter to touch more on my parent's questions as well as tailor it to them. To those of you who are struggling to talk about Black Lives Matter with your parents, I hope you find this helpful and please let me know down below if I had missed any points.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and as always, thank you for reading.

xoxo,

Amy

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10:53 AM

Dealing with Loss

Nothing in life will ever prepare you for this. You've seen it in movies, you hear about it from family and friends, but until it affects you personally, there's really no way to prepare for it.

It all started with one simple phone call. One phone call and everything changed. Everything seemed to just stop. I didn't hear anything, I didn't see anything, everything just stopped. Everything went numb. After my mind finally caught up with the news I had just received I snapped back into reality and the pain began to rush in. Handling loss is a new territory for me and it's not something I want to get used to. Why would you want to? It hurts. Everything hurts. All. The. Time. They say time will help heal, but it still creeps up on you unexpectedly and it hurts all over again.

It's hard because you always want some type of closure or some type of answer to help make sense of any of it. You begin to start running every situation, interaction, memory, conversation, exchange in your head over and over to maybe find some sort of clue or answer but you just can't. You just want answers and unfortunately many of them you won't ever get. It sucks. It really sucks.

Losing someone really puts life into perspective for you. I know everyone says "life is short," "live life to the fullest," "live every day like it's the last," but it doesn't really hit you until it affects your personality. The thing about life is that we easily get caught up in the everyday motions and routine of things. We lose touch of old friends and family that we don't see every day and eventually we just find ourselves keeping up with them just by the photos they post on social media. We don't realize we're doing it until something tragic happens and reminds us to check-in on one another. Which sucks.

Over the past week and a half, my inbox has been filled with "I'm sorry for your loss." "Let me know if you need anything." "Thinking of you." from friends and family members that I haven't talked to in years. Don't get me wrong, I sincerely appreciate each and every person that has reached out to me and checked in on me, I really truly do, but I can't help but feel guilty. Guilty that something like this has caused us to reconnect. Guilty that I didn't make more of an effort to stay in touch. Just, guilty.

I've been reading a lot about handling grief. They say there are five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Other articles say that this pain isn't something we'll ever eventually get over, but something we'll learn how to live with. But ultimately there's really no right or wrong way to grieve. We all handle pain and loss differently, and at the end of the day we need to find what will help us cope. Here's what's helped me this past week:

• Leaning on friends and family. A bit obvious but I've been brought up to be "strong" and "independent" and to "take care of myself" so breaking down, being vulnerable and leaning on friends and family is new to me. Sharing memories, having someone to talk things out with has helped me through this whole process. 

• Writing. A friend had suggested that I write out some sort of letter with all my thoughts and feelings, which has helped. Ever since I was little I had always been into journaling and now that it's transitioned into my blog. Writing all of my thoughts and feelings out has always helped me handle tough situations since I feel like I can unload everything on my mind instead of having them bottled up in there waiting to explode. 

• Keeping your mind busy. While I don't believe that this is the best way to deal with it long term since I feel like pushing away your feelings and emotions for a long period of time will end up hurting you down the road, this is a good short term fix. Keeping busy with work, tidying up my apartment, spending time with friends and family or even jumping into blogging again has helped keep my mind off of things for a bit. 

Handling loss is hard. It's really hard. You are faced with so many different emotions all at once and you're not quite sure what's the best way to deal with them. I've felt the constant cycle of sad, angry, confused and guilty over and over again that it can get tiring and overwhelming sometimes. A friend had told me to take things day by day and eventually, things will get a little easier to handle. So that's what I'm doing, taking it one day at a time.

At the end of the day, I'm glad I was able to be a part of his story, even if it was for a short amount of time. I will always wish that more people were able to be a part of it or witness the amazing, talented, creative, caring and passionate person that he was. I'll always treasure the wonderful memories we've shared and I'll continue to help share his story. 

I guess my main goal for this whole post is to share that if you're going through something similar, you're not alone. I know I felt alone many points during this whole process. I've been confused about what I should or shouldn't feel and the best way to handle it all. If you are going through something like this, I'm sorry. I'm truly and deeply sorry. If you feel alone and feel like you have no one to turn to my inbox is always open. I'll always lend an ear. 

Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me this past week. I truly appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for reading what's been on my mind. I plan on having my regularly scheduled posts up in the next week or so, so be on the lookout for those. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and as always, thank you for reading. 

xoxo,

Amy

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7:30 AM

Growing up Asian in America - The Cultural Limbo #AMYIRL

It seems like the topic of diversity in the media has been popping up a lot lately. To be more specific, the topic of Asian American representation has been getting more attention within the past year than it ever has before. I guess it can be credited to films like Crazy Rich Asians, To All the Boys I Loved Before, Always be my Maybe, Boa, and now, The Farewell for starting these conversations. For someone who has been a little ashamed of being the "Chinese girl" growing up, it's been pretty cool to see more representation of Asians in the media.

Hi Friends!

Welcome to the first official post in my #AMYIRL series, a series where I break down the perfectly filtered walls and dive into more personal topics with you all. To learn more about this series, be sure to check out this post. I figured what would be a better way to start off the series than to dive right in on talking about what it's like growing up as an Asian-American from my perspective.

*Disclaimer: this post is a lot longer than my usual blog posts. I suggest grabbing a snack before we dive in.

So, let's rewind a bit.

I had touched a couple of times on my blog that both of my parents had immigrated to the United States at a young age and were able to provide a life for my brother and me here in America. I grew up in a very small southern town where there was barely any diversity, my family was the only Asian family in our town up until middle school, which in a way forced my brother and me to become more Americanized than my parents would have liked. Despite the fact that my black hair and olive skin stood out like a sore thumb among a school of fair-skinned blondes and brunettes, I thankfully never had to go through any severe bullying growing up.

For the most part, going through elementary school, I didn't realize I was different than all my other classmates. I mean, I took naps and played skip-it just like all the other kids on the playground. Nothing seemed out of the normal to me. As I got older I did begin to question why no one else at school had black hair like me, why no else knew what a hóngbāo was, why I wasn't allowed to sleepover at my friend's house and even why doesn't everyone else eat rice with every meal?

Middle school is a tough period in life for anyone in general. Everyone just wants to fit in, you're hitting puberty, going through awkward stages in life and in a way you're starting to figure out who you are. I guess I never really knew I was different until a boy in 6th grade asked me why I had a "normal" sounding name because he thought all Chinese people were named after the sound a spoon makes when you drop it.

I have always gone by Amy in school and was really only called my Chinese name by extended family or when I really got in trouble with my mom. I didn't really think much of it up until that point but since that instance, I made it a point to not let anyone know that I had a Chinese name. I didn't want to be different.

Like I had stated earlier, I was lucky in the fact that I never had to go through any severe bullying for being Asian, but I did have my fair share of kids slanting their eyes back to look like me or the constant "but where are you really from?" questions. I can't exactly pinpoint when I started to resent being Asian, but I distinctly remember one day at dinner I had gotten into an argument with my mom on why we had to eat rice all the time and why we couldn't be like normal families to which she replied "so you just don't want to be Asian anymore?"

Fast forward to college.

I'm in a new city, going to a new school, being thrown into a pool of new and diverse classmates. Finally, I'm able to step out of my comfort zone and meet new people. Except, I didn't. To be honest, I strayed away from joining The Asian Student Association because I didn't want to seem like one of those "Asian people who only hung out with Asians." Even being in a new city I was still ashamed of being seen as "different."

Despite being in a new city filled with a diverse pool of people, I still found myself closing myself off and limiting myself to a small group of people from my hometown. As the years went on in college, I found myself being more and more distant from my culture. I didn’t make it a priority to go home for Chinese New Year, I stopped eating Chinese food, and I was barely in touch with my family. It had gotten to a point where I was embarrassed to visit my relatives because I had unintentionally distance myself for so long that I didn’t want to be made fun of for being so Americanized now. I mean, even “calling” my relatives by the appropriate Chinese names seemed so foreign to me.

I remember moving back from Florida and decided to take the plunge into dating again. I mean, I had to get myself out there eventually, right? To put it out there, I haven't dated another Asian before (due to the lack of diversity in my town), and it never really crossed my mind to. Two dating apps and a few duds later I found myself eventually going on a date with a total of two Asian guys. Before each one of those dates, I couldn't help but think "What will they think when they find out I don't speak Chinese?" "What if they think I'm too Westernized?" "What the heck is mahjong?" I know I should have known better than to have already had those thoughts invade my brain, but if you grew up with Asians parents, you know.

It wasn't until I went up north to Philadelphia last year for a family trip that I really realized how much I pushed away my culture. My family up north is a lot more traditional than my family in the south. I couldn't help but feel embarrassed as I sit there silent as my extended family exchanged foreign words in front of me or when we would go out for dim sum and I barely knew what any of the dishes were.

For the longest time, I couldn't really put my finger on exactly why I felt the way I did or pushed back from being Chinese as much as I did until I came across this Twitter thread and I had to do a double to take to make sure I didn't accidentally write it myself in my sleep. I think the line that resonated with me the most was “It’s a race to reclaim everything you’ve hated about yourself. For the 1st time, you want to be Chinese.” I came across that tweet about a year ago and it’s stuck with me since. I hate how it’s taken me 23 years to want to be someone that I’ve been this entire time.

Even though I had this tweet in the back of my mind and have watched Crazy Rich Asians ten times since it came out, nothing really clicked until I found myself back in Philly for the second time in five years.

I had never been to a funeral until this past March. Visiting Philly this time felt like a culture shock. Between the ceremony preparations, trying to learn all of the traditions to follow, and going to Ching Ming for the first time in 20-years, I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t help but get emotional and guilty over the thought of “I could have” the whole time. I could have made more of an effort growing up to learn Chinese so I could communicate with her more. I could have made time to visit and be around family more. I could have put myself out there to hang around with other Asians and be more appreciative of my culture...

So, why? Why did I spend the last 15 minutes of your life breaking down my life story?

Because I think there needs to be more discussion on this weird cultural limbo. I grew up most of my life in this weird in-between of not being "Asian enough" for my family but not "White enough" for my peers. Every time someone would ask if I could speak Chinese I would always be embarrassed to say no, to which they follow up by asking if I was adopted since that would be the logical reason why I couldn't speak it, right?

Society likes to make things into two clean categories. You’re an American or you’re an immigrant. You’re a FOB or you’re whitewashed. You’re dark, you’re light. But, what about those of us in the middle?

I had always felt guilty being so disconnected from my culture but at the same time, it was a little inevitable since I did grow up in America. I think one of the more difficult parts about being in this cultural limbo is trying to find the balance between respecting your parents and honoring tradition but at the same time living your own life and taking on the Western mindset. I'm sure many other cultures that have immigrated here as well have experienced this too, but the Immigrant Asian / Asian - American pull is difficult. My parents and I don't always see eye to eye and I know that many issues in regards to my career, relationships, education, etc are always being in question.

So, what's next?

Even though I can’t rewind time and give myself the realization earlier that you don’t have to shed half of you to conform to the other half, I can try to at least make an effort to move forward to make it all balanced. I want to keep the discussion going. Part of the reason why I even had any sort of wake up call was that I watched Crazy Rich Asians for the first time in theatres. You never realize the lack of representation until it’s finally given to you.

When I was thinking about getting back into blogging I told myself I wanted my space to be more than just cute outfit pictures. Continuing the discussion on Asian American representation has been on my mind a lot lately and I want to be part of the conversation. I also wanted to share my experiences in hopes of showing that it’s ok to be lost in this weird cultural pull. I know it would have helped me when I was younger if I knew there was someone else out there who felt the same.

Now to throw it all back to you. Are you a child of immigrants or feel like you're in a weird cultural limbo? Let's start a discussion down below! I know this post is very different than what I typically post here, but I really want to help start the conversation about this. I hope you all enjoyed my novel and as always, thank you for reading.

Xoxo,

Amy

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10:00 AM

New Blog series: #AMYIRL

Top || Shorts || Converse || Purse || Sunglasses || Earrings || Watch || Ring

Hi friends!

Today I wanted to share a new series on the blog with you all that I've actually been brainstorming about since last October. Nowadays, if you take a quick scroll through your Instagram feed you'll most likely see rows and rows of photos curated and edited to perfection. Even though everyone's feed showcases highlights of their tropical vacations, dinner dates, and on-trend outfits we often forget that that's what it really is, a highlight reel. It's easy to get sucked into thinking that everyone has an easy-breezy perfect life based off of what they share on social media because let's face it, no one wants to share the bad times.

The idea behind this new series is to break down the perfectly painted walls that we all build online and discuss more of what makes us... us and that includes sharing the not so great side. As much as I love sharing the latest fashion trends with you all or the Instagram worthy food that I'm eating, I want my little corner of the internet to be more than just cute dresses and drinks. I found over the years that even though I do love going online to search for outfit inspiration, I really love seeing more personal content that makes me feel a little less alone in certain situations that I'm going through, and I want to do that for someone too.

And that brings us to #AMYIRL. A series where I try to take you behind the perfectly filtered Instagram post and give you a little more insight into my personal life. In this series, I plan on sharing topics ranging from post-grad life, my perspective as being an Asian-American, dating, etc. I'm so excited to share this series with you all and hope you are too!

If you have any future topics you'd like to see from me in this series please let me know down below. Be on the lookout for the first official post in the series in a couple weeks and as always, thank you for reading!

xoxo,

Amy

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